Can't stop thinking about him leaving. What it will do to me. What it will do to her. What it will do to him. What it will do to us. There is nothing voluntary about voluntary departure. He is forced to leave. Immigration reform can't happen quick enough. There is too much to worry about in the same time period. Her first birthday. The immigration interview. His (in)volunatary departure.
These are important growing times for her. I would think at least. She's still learning a lot. But she will have to live with a father in a different country. Hearing him on the phone. A bodiless voice. Will she forget his face? Even skyping, will she connect that he is her father? That it wasn't his choice to leave us. That this isn't what having a dad normally is like. That normally he would be there to hug her, kiss her, love her. Will she see me sad/upset and wonder why? Will this mess her up? When (and hopefully not if) he comes back will there be alienation? Stupid irony, he is an alien here and will come back alien to her?
I worry about her first. Priority worry. First her, then him, then me. What if something happens to him? I hear it's dangerous. It's yellow on the travel list! Not that I know what that exactly entails.. but USA is green. Will I be able to send him money or only have enough for us here? He will be separated from us, missing us, feeling anxious, while I'm in the states trying to get him back. He says it's hard to find a job there. They don't get paid as well as people do here. What if his living arrangment falls through?
Am I going to become a recluse? Whenever you say "no", "no thanks", "can't make it out", "sorry I don't feel like it" to friends enough times, you fall off their list. Is that going to happen? I'll corner myself off? I don't want to but sometimes you can't do what you want. I have the most amazing best friends but it's understandable if it happens. They have their own lives and worries.
What if I start crying and can't stop? How can I function if I cry all the time? I have responsibilities.
A lot of what ifs, whys, questions. I'm not going to know until it's happening.
