How Time Actually Flew

Finally after the 4-5 month hold-up waiting for the Honduran police to clear my husband's name, I have everything ready to move on with the DS-260 and the I-864.

I went to get a certified copy of our marriage certificate at the courthouse (to give to our attorney, which I later did, with everything else, signed papers, dooone.) When I handed my original to the lady, she said Oh this is cold!
Yes, cold like my marriage is left out to wait for the immigration process.
What I really said "Oh yeah it's cold outside."

4 months may not seem like a long time to someone who has no idea what I'm (or anyone else) is going through.

BUT REALLY IT IS DAMN TORTURE.

Try spending 4 months filled with anxiety on whether or not the police report (which will be a large factor on determining whether or not your spouse can file for a waiver to return to you, because if not you're SOL) will be cleared, anticipation on whether or not you'll hear word that day in order to continue on with this already difficult process, anger at the guy in some office down in Honduras who has earphones in his head probably listening to music (I did actually witness this when I visited) and taking his sweetass time, sadness that your husband wrestles keeping hope, rage that this time could have been spent submitting the needed forms then getting an interview and medical examination (was told the NVC part is 2-3 months) and then moving onto doing the I601 waiver. All that, every day.

THEN TELL ME HOW TIME ACTUALLY FLIES. (Answer: flies out of your ass in a quick, painful exit that leaves your entrails immediately following to smack on the cold concrete floor with a splatty smack.)

Round

I sometimes want to tell my friends what is going on in my life, how I feel. I start to, either with thinking of doing so or texting it out. Then I erase it.
Telling them feels pointless.
Here is how it would go:
Me- I am depressed. This, this, this, this is going wrong with my life. I can't sleep. I can't focus. I want to cry but I can't. I can't eat. Partly because I don't have money to. But that is okay now because I have gotten assistance.
Them- O.. :( I'm sorry. If you want we can do something to take your mind of it. Have you thought about going to the doctor? What about taking this or that medication? It's going to be okay. This that and the other and more reassuring stuff. It'll be worth it in the end. It'll get better.
Me- Okay.

In the end I feel worse or the same. Because there isn't anything I can do really.
Take medication? I nurse. Yea there are stuff I can take but I don't want to have a dependency or it affect me in a bad way. I've taken antidepressants. Some made me batshit insane. Psychology/clinician? You can only say so much. Plus most times I feel my intelligence insulted, not that I'm ohsosmart just they take one approach to apply to everyone. And yea I've tried it.

I'd rather tell a stranger, going in with both of us knowing one another can't do anything for the other. And then we can go our separate ways, a fast-fading memory.

What could you do or say if someone says "I feel like giving up. I feel like I'm just on the verge of a breakdown."
Out of my mouth would come "Oh I'm sorry. what's going on?" or "I'm sorry. I'm here for you." But in your mind there could be a little of "um..." or "uh..." or "um.. omg.. :(" or "what can I say to that?"

This pain I have doesn't lessen with the release of words.

The actual shitstorm

Finally on step two of kajillion. I'm daunted. DS230 & I-864.

It's been said, don't say it can't get any worse because it will and then you'll kick yourself for having said or though it. But really. Listen to that advice.

Things going wrong:
Misael not here
Having to pay $230, plus $88 (then $585 later) plus $1000 for legal assistance
my neck hurts
starting my period on an already terrible day (yesterday)
parent's divorce agreement lawsuit, which will result in dadgetting arrested for not paying, and even if not then losing one of the houses or both.
dad decided to move to WA, which means he's selling the house (which I planned on moving out anyways) so safe to assume he won't be paying mom's mortgage, no way she can keep the house, then he wants me to help in selling of the house but I get to keep the money and sell his belongings
grandma hit tnt, tnt hit grandma back, dad hit tnt, tnt hit dad (possible broken nose) (Note: hit doesn't mean just once) Other family members that are visiting are frightened and most likely will never come back.
My babysitter can't watch my daughter anymore (in T-minus 11 days), must find new babysitter or put her in dreaded state child care
my plan to move in with my mom thwarted by the happening of previously said fight, and likelihood tnt moving in with mom
Going to live in my friend's living room, sounds worse than I feel but can't help feel worse by how it sounds
Need to sell my old car for money
Needing more hours at my work but not getting them (only granted 4 more hours, vs the 11-16 hours needed)
this pain in my neck (bad pun + repetition)
Having to figure out when/how to move (how: how am I going to move all my stuff?)
Uncle threatened to beat me up the other day (but he left and I think he took all my poptarts that damn smelly BASTARD)

Unvoluntary

Can't stop thinking about him leaving. What it will do to me. What it will do to her. What it will do to him. What it will do to us. There is nothing voluntary about voluntary departure. He is forced to leave. Immigration reform can't happen quick enough. There is too much to worry about in the same time period. Her first birthday. The immigration interview. His (in)volunatary departure.

These are important growing times for her. I would think at least. She's still learning a lot. But she will have to live with a father in a different country. Hearing him on the phone. A bodiless voice. Will she forget his face? Even skyping, will she connect that he is her father? That it wasn't his choice to leave us. That this isn't what having a dad normally is like. That normally he would be there to hug her, kiss her, love her. Will she see me sad/upset and wonder why? Will this mess her up? When (and hopefully not if) he comes back will there be alienation? Stupid irony, he is an alien here and will come back alien to her?

I worry about her first. Priority worry. First her, then him, then me. What if something happens to him? I hear it's dangerous. It's yellow on the travel list! Not that I know what that exactly entails.. but USA is green. Will I be able to send him money or only have enough for us here? He will be separated from us, missing us, feeling anxious, while I'm in the states trying to get him back. He says it's hard to find a job there. They don't get paid as well as people do here. What if his living arrangment falls through?

Am I going to become a recluse? Whenever you say "no", "no thanks", "can't make it out", "sorry I don't feel like it" to friends enough times, you fall off their list. Is that going to happen? I'll corner myself off? I don't want to but sometimes you can't do what you want. I have the most amazing best friends but it's understandable if it happens. They have their own lives and worries.

What if I start crying and can't stop? How can I function if I cry all the time? I have responsibilities.

A lot of what ifs, whys, questions. I'm not going to know until it's happening.